I recently had a fight with my girlfriend and feel terrible about it.*

[Johnny8484]

I recently had a fight with my girlfriend and feel terrible about it.

We are both in our early 30s and are very serious about each other. I love her with all my heart, I feel like she's the best thing that ever happenned to me. Unfortunately, we do not live together, she lives in a different country and I travel to her every weekend by plane.

Before our fight, everything was going absolutely great. She loved me, I once said "if we one day have kids" and she replied "not if, when". Once, she told me "I need you for me to be happy". This is just a couple of examples to give the picture that we were very happy together.

As I said, we do not live in the same country, so i am not always updated on her daily life. We have only been together a few months, and I haven't met her friends yet. Last weekend, I saw on her phone, by coincidence (I wanted to play a song) that a guy was writing to her. asking how she was doing. I asked who that was, in a tone that wasnt pleasant. That also triggered me becoming even more upset because it reminded me she still texts, from time to time (but more often than i consider respectful in a relationship, i.e. on a weekly basis), with her ex-boyfriends. She explained that there wasnt anything with any of these guys, that the first one is a very old friend and the ex-boyfriends she only replies to.

She dealt with me perfectly, said i had a point and that she wouldnt let guys or exes bother our relationship any longer. I should have stopped there. But for some reason i couldnt - the frustration stayed in my head, and i could only sleep a few hours in the night. The next day, she again comforted me, and was absolutely understanding with me. I really dont know why, but I again got upset and things escalated in a huge argument. She said she felt "like she was in court". Which got even worse because I then had to leave to the airport. Just to give a little context, I think the stress related to all the travelling i do to see her (time/money) took its toll, and I exploded.

We first met when she had another boyfriend. I had feelings for her for a long time, but always respected her situation and waited for roughly 6 months (during which i was only texting and rarely having any contact with anyone else) until she contacted me again for a date (at that point she was done with her boyfriend). As I said, since then things only went great.

After the fight, I apologized profusely for taking it too far. She says she still believes in us, "but her enthusiasm is lesser". She says she needs a period of stability because what she saw last sunday really worries her that we might not be able to have something normal (which is more to say that she things I am unable to cope with conflict in a healthy way, because she, i am sure, doesnt really believe she did anything wrong - nor should she, because in all fairness she didnt). She says she would like "less talk, more acts". And sometimes says things like "I dont know anymore" and "i dont want to get into a huge talk about this". I really feel like i made her tired of me.....

In all honesty, this makes me terribly sad and I dont know what to do. I love her and would like to make her happy. At the same time, we had one (big, I agree) argument, and I would like it if she could put a circle around it and move on. After all, we were truly happy before. I also think it's a bit unfair, given that i travel to her every weekend, spending energy and money, which she hasn't done once towards me (but has offered to repay in part the tickets, which she has however not yet followed through with). Maybe I shouldnt do this, but i also offered her many gifts, and didnt get anything back, not even for Christmas (which we didnt spend together, i gave her my gift later, we were only able to meet 3 weeks after christmas).

I feel like i have to conquer her all over again. That to me is very sad and also feels a bit unfair. I want something special, and I feel like we had it and it's lost for good (when she says "I just need to make sure we can have something normal"... we were truly happy, of course we can have something normal, why doubt it? the fact that she does makes me think she lost faith in us) I agree that I messed up, but i also think: sometimes people fight, I took it too far, I admitted it and apologized profusely. We were happy before, why not forget about it, or at least simply move on?

Is this relationship dying, or does she only need time?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts...

[Dennis]

It's not uncommon for a girl to break up with her boyfriend after a fight, especially a heated one. And in most cases of this type, getting back together is a fairly straightforward matter. However, it's only possible if the situation is handled correctly. So if you happen to be in this predicament, here are 3 steps you should take to make up with your girlfriend and put this temporary breakup behind you.

Step #1: Apologize With Tact

If you want to get her back after a fight a strong apology is in order. Meet her in person to tell her you're sorry and bring along a card that reinforces your verbal apology. By doing so, you'll double your chances of forgiveness.

For one, she'll appreciate the gesture even if she doesn't show it or rejects your apology altogether. Also, she'll have it in writing to remind her that you're serious when your meeting is over and she's alone with her thoughts.

It's important to note that your apology must be verbally expressed first, and only then through writing. Reversing this order won't have nearly as positive an effect.

Step #2: Assume All Responsibility For The Fight

This step requires you to swallow your pride and assume all responsibility... at least in the beginning. It's crucial that you avoid showing her your point of view at this time because she won't be in the proper frame of mind to receive it.

However, if you can shift the blame entirely on yourself she'll realize down the road (e.g. a day, a week) that your humble attempt to make up is sincere. This will pave the way for her to begin accepting that she's also to blame after which she'll most likely apologize in return. This is an important step on her part that will set the ball rolling for a resolution.

Step #3: Back Away From The Situation

Give her the time she needs to both accept your apology and your sincerity for wanting to make things right. It is only through this uninterrupted fashion that she'll be able to fully grasp that you're serious about a resolution and that it's up to her to take the next step towards solving your differences.

In conclusion, while getting a girl back after a fight is not difficult at all, it must be handled with tact. Failure to do so will only make matters worse and possibly ruin further chances for a future reunion.

[Charles]

Tell her openly about your feelings - sometimes women really need to hear that and not only to see. Even if she knows how much you love her, right now when she is hurt and plays some hard to get games with you - she wants to hear you saying it! Tell her how much you miss her, that you couldn't fall a sleep and the only thing on your mind right now is her! She'll melt from these words and understand her heart belongs to you!

Romantic surprise - I don't think there is a woman on earth that a huge bouquet of roses won't make her just jump on you, especially if it's been a long time since you gave her this kind of surprise! Some love letter where you telling her that she is the only woman for you and you are deeply sorry for hurting her that day will be excellent!

Right now her ego isn't letting her to behave normally, that's why something special can really help! I hope I helped you and good luck in getting back together with your girlfriend!

[bunnyhabit]

no girl likes to fight or not be trusted by her man. her comment "less talk, more acts". seems to say you are a great lecturer but lack in physical love with her. this is probably reason for her "cooling off" and saying "I just need to make sure we can have something normal"..

perhaps her previous lovers were more into physical love than verbal love and she craves this from you rather than fights and suspicion of her faithfulness. you have destroyed her self confidence and need to show rather than tell her how much you love her before she finds someone who will.

time is running out for you. money and gifts cannot replace physical affection between couples.